The REAL Cause of Winter

By Randy Haglund

When we were in school our teachers tried to convince us that the changes in season were caused by something to do with our orbit around the sun and the tilt in the earth’s axis, blah, blah, blah.

But in recent years, scientists have suggested a different factor causing extreme weather. As it turns out, it’s…(drum roll please.)

Us.

That’s right, we have only ourselves to blame for severe winters and blistering summers. It seems that there is a hole in the ozone layer caused by our use of fossil fuels, air conditioners, and aerosols like hair spray. Supposedly this hole is getting bigger every year, like the yarmulke-shaped hole in my hair layer. And I don’t even use hair spray.

This ozone hole, which they discovered in the 70s, is apparently causing the phenomenon commonly referred to as global warming. The more accepted phrase now is “Climate Change,” which encompasses all kinds of meteorological phenomena such as blizzards, tornados, hurricanes, and longer lines at Starbucks.

When we have a severe winter, they tell us it’s a sign of global warming. And if we have an unusually warm winter, it’s because of global warming. Even an average one doesn’t deter them from their stance. This inconvenient truth seems a little odd to me. No matter what happens, it conveniently fits their theory precisely.

Now, years ago I read an article claiming to give undeniable proof for the real cause of winter. I have Googled it, and have yet to find it or the author’s name. But, believe me, he was waaay ahead of his time. I was a doubter but I have recently become a believer in his theory. He claimed that our winters are definitely caused by humans, and he nailed it down to something specific.

Football.

Now, I know you’re a skeptic. As I was. But do you remember how cynical you were when Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet?

So try to keep an open mind as I attempt to recreate the most important points of this forgotten article.

In the dog days of August, when winter is but a vague fancy, pro football players begin playing “exhibition” games. Not real football, but a way for NFL owners to get more revenue from their season ticket holders. God knows they need it.

Meanwhile, college and high school football players tackle sled dummies on practice fields in anticipation of the coming season.

By early September, when actual games begin, a chill can be detected in the evening air. And by the time late October comes around, when division leaders become evident, fans are rabid. Winter is beginning to raise its ugly head.

The NFL is finishing the regular season in December and every College Bowl game can be seen on television if you carry the cable package that includes all 8000 channels. When the cameras turn to the stands, the fans can be seen dressed in parkas and those stupid looking fur hats with ear flaps. Except for those six inebriated shirtless guys with “DFENSE” painted on their hairy bellies. 

Then…things get serious. The NFL playoffs begin. Every year you can watch a game being played in record-setting cold or record-breaking snow depth, or some other record something-or-other that has nothing to do with actual football statistics. Injuries mount as players are carted off the field on stretchers, due to exposure to the elements, or lost body parts.

The Super Bowl is played right about Groundhog Day in early February. People used to wait with bated breath to see if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow. But now millions more wait in agonizing dread as Tom Brady wins another NFL championship. It sends chills up my spine just thinking of it.

And then suddenly, football is over. Slowly, the atmosphere recovers from the abuse and the snow begins to melt, trees bud, and everyone comes out of hibernation.

Except allergy sufferers.

The evidence for humans causing winter is insurmountable. And if you are still a skeptic, let me give you one more piece of compelling evidence. I’ll bet you’ve never seen a football game played in the tropics. And, in Canada, where winters are unbearable, they play with twelve men on the field instead of eleven.

Think about that.